Reflections on relationships

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” Carl Jung

“First seek to understand, then to be understood.” Steven Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

I read once that in a relationship between two people, there are really six selves present: each person as they really are, each as they see themselves to be, and each as they are perceived by the other. There can be huge discrepancies between these personae, a fact that often challenges the strength and health of a relationship.

A question whose answer continues to elude me is this: Once you’ve determined your take on a person, is it possible to change it? Think of the labels you use to describe someone’s behavior or their character: “narcisissitic,” “hysterical,” “grandiose,” “negative,” “preachy,” “obsessive,” “shallow,” “oversensitive,” “snobby,” “insecure,” “overthinking,” etc… Social psychologists discuss a concept called The Confirmation Bias, which states that once we’ve developed a conceptual framework of a person, we look through that lens for evidence to support our perceptions, ignoring contrary information that forces us to question our theories. It takes courage to face the internal discomfort caused by an admission that you may be wrong about someone, and it takes tremendous effort to see a person from a different perspective.

When we encounter something about a person that we dislike, be it a specific behavior or a character trait, it is important to remember that we have ourselves a dark side, a shadow self that is capable of destruction and pain. Your character, in some measure, is determined by how you manage those urges and feelings in yourself, and how you take the time to understand and accept those less-than-attractive facets of others. When something bothers you about another, look inside: what is it about this person that reminds you of yourself? What do you fear that you may harbor or express as well? And what might happen if you express your discomfort about the other? Standing up for yourself or creating healthy boundaries seems like a good idea, but in doing so, you may topple a relationship with a shaky foundation. Be prepared for consequences when revealing information that may be perceived as criticism. Not everyone is willing or able to see themselves in an unfavorable light, but a good and true friend won’t bolt at the first whiff of disapproval.

When you invite a friend into your life and your world, you take a risk.  You are saying, “I trust that the mirror you hold for me will honestly reflect my being, and I will do my best to present myself to you in a way that we both admire.” If the mirror suddenly offers a warped, funhouse view, true friends will find a way to laugh at the distortions and plan a shopping trip for a new one.

Reflectively,

Ellen

Addendum:

"No Surprise" Haiku

Oh, productive June!

I staked and I sweat all my

Expectations met

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