Saying it Anyway

There is someone I care deeply about who is having a hard time lately. She recently gave up drinking as an escape mechanism and started going to AA, but she is still very anxious and now claims that she can’t eat because she is too stressed. She has lost a large percentage of her natural body weight, looks grey and wasted, lost half of her glossy, beautiful hair, and appears to most others to be anorexic.  I sent her a concerned email and got this in response:

“...I know [you are] upset. And I am doing many different things (not just AA) to get counselling and support. I am seizing the times when I am hungry and eating real meals... not just crap. I found some vitamins in the house and supplement with Boosts. You know I’ve never been a fan of exercise so it’s not like I’m running miles every day to burn off cals. ...I know you love me... just waiting for the light switch that will flick on when I love myself. “

This is my dilemma. She doesn’t want to hear a lecture from me. Although I understand all too well what she’s going through and could offer her many, many suggestions as to how to think and feel differently, she doesn’t care for my style of support, so I hold my tongue and don’t reply to her emails with anything other than “you know what to do.” But this is what I really want to say to her:

There’s no such thing as “I can’t eat,” and it makes no sense to say it. You can and you must. If you don’t take care of yourself properly, you can’t think clearly. Vitamins and Boost are poor substitutes for food; skipping meals is an indication of poor self-care. You deserve better.  If you can’t rely on your body right now to tell you when you need to eat, then eat small meals every few hours whether or not you feel like it. Create a meal plan for yourself and stick to it no matter what.  You’re worth the effort.

I don’t understand what you’re waiting for. There is no light switch. Or maybe you are the light switch, or you’re in charge of operating it. Nothing and no one will make you love yourself. Practice makes perfect. Fake it ‘til you make it. The time is now for you to live your life. You are responsible for the energy you create; every moment is an opportunity for you to practice self-care, self-respect, and self-acceptance.

I’m sure you understand, dear Readers, that I am writing this here with the hope that she will read these words and get the message - this is a perk of having a website and blog. It’s hard at times to love and support someone the way they want to be loved and supported – silence is not one of my virtues. Thanks for listening.

With Love,

Ellen

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