Dialectical Abstinence: Play to win, learn from loss

Hockey season is here again! 2010-11 was a great year to become a Canucks fan. With HDTV to help me see what was happening, and season tickets to really feel the spirit in the arena, I learned so much about the game and what it means to be a warrior.

Despite the disgraceful aftermath, which I won’t get into here.

What can we learn from these amazing athletes who battle so bravely for one another and for their fans? Every elite athlete has one ultimate goal: to win. Do you think the Canucks are training to be #2 again this year? Do you think Boston has had its fill of looking at the Stanley Cup? I don’t think so.

You may be wondering what this has to do with Recovery.  Quite a bit, actually.

When it comes to the difficult task of changing a compulsive behavior or an unhealthy habit, we have its elimination as our ultimate goal in mind. That’s our number one priority. But if we slip up, it is our responsibility to figure out why and move forward. This illustrates the concept of “Dialectical Abstinence.” Debra Safer, Christy Telch, and Eunice Chen write eloquently about this important idea in their book, Dialectical Behavior Therapy for Binge Eating and Bulimia:

“The dialectical view recognizes that for every force or position there exists an opposing force or position: a thesis and antithesis; the yin and the yang. A dialectical view searches for a synthesis that is more than the sum of the opposite parts. For example, the yin and yang symbol is black and white, yet the synthesis of these is not merely the color gray. A synthesis transcends both.

On the one hand, you’ve made a 100% commitment to stop bingeing, and anything short would be a failure. When faced with the urge to binge, you cannot have the idea that it is ‘ok’ to binge and fail and to ‘just try again.’ Such thinking would undermine your goals and make it more likely that you will decide to binge eat. On the other hand, you need to be prepared to deal with a binge effectively if it does occur. You can create the synthesis by recognizing that both forces exist. In the forefront of your mind is your awareness of your 100% commitment and 100% certainty that binge eating is not an option. However, simultaneously, way, way back in the very farthest part, so that it never interferes with your resolve, is the awareness that if you slip, you will deal with it effectively by figuring out what happened, accepting it, not judging yourself, and picking yourself back up and concentrating on what you have learned. Then you recommit to stopping bingeing, back to the 100% knowledge that you will never slip again. The dialectical abstinence solution involves holding the two opposite forces: 100% certainty that binge eating is out of the question and the resolve to deal with it effectively if it happens.

A good mental picture is an Olympic athlete. When the athlete is training, nothing is discussed except winning and going for the gold. If the Olympian athlete thought or said that winning a bronze medal would be fine, then his or her training mentality and performance would be affected. The athlete is similar to you in that you can focus only on absolute and total binge abstinence. Yet, of course, you must also be prepared for the possibility of failure, and the key is to be prepared to fail well.”

What we learn from this is that success and failure can exist simultaneously, and that commitment is an active process. It involves continual awareness, assessment, analysis, and recommitment to our goals.

It’s going to be a great hockey season. Go Canucks, and Go You!

With Love,

Ellen

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