On Negative Grandiosity

“Am I your worst client?”

I’ve been asked this question many times in my career, and am always taken aback by it. This is due in part, to the fact that it was a question I once asked my own therapist way back when, during a time when I felt stuck in my self-destructive binge-purge-starve behaviours, and insisted that at my core, I was somehow defective. Irrespective of the support, encouragement, and good suggestions I received, I was, it seemed, incapable of change. Until I was ready.

I wanted Judy to confirm the badness I felt about myself. Instead, she gave me a lesson on a concept she called “negative grandiosity.” It starts with having extremely high standards for one’s behaviour and performance outcomes – perhaps “perfectionistic” is a better term. In conjunction with these standards is a strong desire to be recognized as the best at something – anything (dieting and being thin is very reinforcing in this regard). If one is insecure and unable to achieve this “best” status, then the next best option is to be the worst at something: being the worst daughter, student, girlfriend, or client, perhaps. Therefore, “I’m the worst, most f*^'d up loser” becomes a backhand way to feel better about yourself. There’s something perverse about this.

This wasn’t the nicest of sessions I had with Judy, but I’m grateful for the lesson. I never judged or referred to myself in those terms again. Instead of striving for perfection – negative or positive, I began seeking a sense of “okayness” with myself. Not coincidentally, when I began to engage in behaviours and activities that were authentically enjoyable and satisfying, I also began to get the recognition and validation I so desired.

Just for the record, I have yet to meet my worst client, and I doubt I ever will.

With Love,

Ellen

 

Questions? Comments? Email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
Back to Top