Keep Your Worries To Yourself

Dear Ellen:

I am very worried about my daughter. She is 21-years old, has struggled with an eating disorder for the past 5 years, and now she wants to move out on her own. She has maintained her weight for the past 8 months and seems to be following her meal plan, but I don’t know if she will continue to make progress on her own. I think she should wait a little longer, but she argues with me that she can take care of herself. What is your advice?

Worried Mother in Vancouver

Dear WM:

I think “worried mother” is a redundancy. No doubt your daughter knows that you are concerned for her well-being, but does she also know that you have confidence in her ability to create a life for herself that works well for her? When a parent expresses so much worry and concern, it’s hard for the young adult to feel secure about her capability to negotiate the complicated world in which we live. There has to be some room for exploration and error as we all try to figure things out as we go along. “I know you can do it” goes a lot further than “I told you so.”

There’s an old, corny saying about how a parent’s job is to give their child roots to stay grounded and wings to fly. Your job description does not include expressing your constant worry over your daughter’s decisions. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t worry – you’re probably going to do so for the rest of your life, but you can learn to be more subtle about it, don’t you think?

Work out a plan with your daughter for moving out that includes regular appointments with her treatment team: psychologist, dietician, physician, etc., and frequent visits with the family. Embrace her independence, but let her know she always has a home to return to – guilt and shame-free. You both can do it, I’m sure.

With Love,

Ellen

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