I Need People To Like Me 

Dear Ellen:

...something that I really want to focus on that I've noticed keeps coming back up every once in awhile is this idea of feeling like I need people to like me. And what I've come to realize is that it's not so much about me being afraid to tell people wants on my mind, but that there's a certain etiquette that I like to uphold and in that does not include being rude or direct with people. I want to be able to say what I have to say and not get anxious about saying it, or be concerned with what people think when I do say things.

T.R.  

Dear T.R.:

Your issue brings up some important concepts which I will try to summarize in a few paragraphs. First, and I know you know this, you cannot control what other people think. There are always going to be some people out there who don't understand you, who don't take the time to get to know you, and who decide not to like you. You may be genuinely kind, polite, generous, and helpful, but if someone decides, for whatever strange reason, not to respond positively to you, it's their reason, their problem, and probably more a reflection of them and not you.

The fact is, while it's great to be liked and to feel accepted by others, you can't be, and you don't NEED to be liked by everyone. 

I find it interesting that you equate being "direct" with being "rude." If you're referring to being direct about, say, asking for what you want, this indicates to me a feeling of insecurity, that your needs and desires somehow lack validity. If you're referring to being direct about your thoughts or opinions, is the anxiety more about how others view your intelligence? Remember, anxiety results from "what if" thinking; visualizing the future and assuming something unpleasant will happen. "What if they don't like what I have to say?" "What if they don't think I'm smart?" "What if I'm rejected?" You usually run less risk of rejection if you offer others your true, unembellished self. They can take it or leave it. But if they respond to the real you, you don't have to worry about slacking off, letting down your guard, and being rejected later.

Last, I'd like to remind you that you can't read minds (if you can, please fill me in on that trick!). If you want to know what someone is feeling or thinking, it is best to directly ask them. There's certainly nothing rude about that. 

Ellen