What You Should Know About "Shoulds"

Here are a few thoughts on the word "should." Anyone who works with me for any length of time knows that I have some strong feelings about its place in one's vocabulary. I think it's very important to be conscious of how you use "should" and its cousins: must, have to, need to, ought to, got to. The late Albert Ellis, one of my heroes of the cognitive model of psychology, called this type of thinking "musterbating," and cautioned against doing too much of it!

The problem I see with habitually using shoulds, is that they imply criticism and are often meant to induce guilt.  Guilt isn't particularly motivating. How many times have you heard yourself say, "I really should get some exercise," only to find yourself channel surfing with a bag of potato chips in your lap? "I shouldn't eat those brownies" generally leads to eating half the pan or more. "I have to get over my phobia," makes you feel even more anxious. In other words, "shoulds" lead to resistance, defensiveness, and often the opposite of a desired behavior. When you notice yourself using one of these words in your self-talk, replace it with "I will," "I can," I want to," and notice how differently you feel. It can be quite dramatic. 

There are, of course, valid uses for shoulds. You should, for example, behave morally and ethically, and in a manner that makes you feel good about yourself. You should keep your promises, meet your responsibilities, and try and get the most out of life. You shouldn't have to be perfect or never make a mistake. Quitting the "should" habit takes time and practice, but should be worth the effort.