How can i talk to my wife?

Dear Ellen:

I want to support my wife through her struggle with bulimia. Most of the time, I know when she's thrown up. What can I do to get her to talk about it when it happens?

MDS, North Vancouver

Dear M:

You're a loving husband. Bulimia is a secretive illness and its sufferers feel tremendous shame and guilt when they succumb to the urge to binge and purge. Admitting to the behavior, revealing one's weakness and imperfection is very, very difficult. As much as she may wish to hide or deny it, she knows you know, and at that moment feels undeserving of your love.

Rather than ask a yes-no question like "did you just throw up?" or "are you okay?" which will only get you a one-word answer, facilitate discussion with an open-ended question or comment such as "what can I do for you right now?" or "let's try to figure out what just happened." Acknowledging and empathizing with her stress may be helpful.

Remember that she is doing a fine job of beating herself up and doesn't need to be made to feel like a failure. You can remind her that irrespective of bulimia, she is a woman you care for and admire. She is not "a bulimic," but a multi-faceted person deserving of love despite her disordered eating behavior. Eventually, hopefully, she will come to this realization herself.

Hang in -

Ellen