sick and tired of being sick and tired

Dear Ellen:

I’m so sick of my eating disorder. I’ve been fighting with anorexia for years. Since getting out of the hospital I’ve been better, but I still feel like I’m putting in so much effort into controlling my food. I eat pretty much the same thing every day, less than a thousand calories, but every other day or so I give in to the pressure and binge. I think about food all the time and can hardly concentrate in class or do my homework. When is this going to stop?

K., North Vancouver

Dear K.:

I’m GLAD to hear you say that you’re sick of your eating disorder. This is a necessary and positive step toward true recovery.  What you're saying is that you are ready to feel your feelings in all their intensity and do whatever it takes to nourish yourself in a balanced way so that you can use all that brain energy for things that make you feel authentically good about yourself.

You developed an eating disorder as a way to feel in control of your world and to manage uncomfortable and confusing feelings. For a while it worked. It gave you a sense of security and accomplishment. Restricting released brain chemicals that were pleasurable and reinforcing, but, as you’re now realizing, these positive feelings are illusory and cannot be sustained. Now you’re left wondering who you are without your eating disorder and what will happen if you don’t like yourself without it.

The fact is, with or without an eating disorder, YOU are a lovable and valuable person. Your eating disorder is something that you do; it’s not who you are. When disordered eating is removed from the picture, you have much more clarity as to who you are and those aspects of your personality and behavior you would like to work on throughout your life.

Letting go of your eating disorder is an act of trust and courage. Take small steps and give yourself praise and encouragement for any change you’re willing to make: a sandwich with not one, but two pieces of bread, a glass of milk instead of coffee, “real” dressing on your salad instead of diet…  Every act counts and each one is worth the effort. So please - get really sick of your eating disorder and become the person you really want to be.

Love,

Ellen

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