I need my parents’ approval

The following is an excerpt from a therapy session this week…

"...I get upset when my parents don’t respect me.  I’m an educated professional in private practice for 10 years, and my opinion is never validated. Every conversation I have with my mother about anything either personal or professional becomes a bad experience. I can never please her and never know what she’s looking for. For example, she contradicts herself… if I spend money, then I’m irresponsible, and if I don’t, then I’m cheap… I’m afraid to say anything to her because she just gets defensive. How should I handle her?"

I find it fascinating how, regardless of how old or successful we get, we never seem to grow out of the desire for parental approval. As children, we need to know we are both loveable and loved for development of a positive self-image. One of the critical differences, however, between the mind of a child and that of an adult, is that as we mature, we are capable of letting go of early dependencies and validating ourselves. Our personal definition of what it means to be successful may or may not coincide with our parents’. Living up to our own expectations and standards is what is most important as a functional grown-up.

When interacting with your mother and choosing your words, I would suggest keeping your motives and expectations clear in your own mind.  I’m reminded of an old joke: “How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? One – but the lightbulb has to want to change.” Your mom’s style of relating has “worked” for her for many, many years. She’s most likely not interested in changing. But if it’s important to you to express yourself authentically, then focus on the impact her words have on you without being accusatory. In other words, don’t say “You never listen to me!” but rather, “I’m hurt when my opinion isn’t given consideration.”

It’s not your responsibility nor is it within your power to control what your mother thinks or says. You may express yourself clearly and honestly, but she may respond with her habitual and defensive ways. What you do have control over are your thoughts and subsequent emotions. You don’t have to allow yourself to feel belittled. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Ellen