i want to be envied

Dear Ellen:

I work hard to be thin because I want others to envy me. I want to look so good that when women see me, they want to be me. Is this a bad thing?

Confused in Vancouver

Dear Confused:

The fact that you’re questioning if your thoughts are reasonable is a good sign, and I have a few things to say about your honest admission. I do believe that a degree of healthy narcissism is important for optimal psychological functioning: it allows us to appreciate ourselves, our bodies, our strengths and talents, and contributes to confidence and assertiveness in social situations. There’s nothing bad about that. But needing constant attention and admiration from others may be a symptom of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): “A pattern of traits and behaviors which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition” (2009, Mental Health Online).

Here are some specific qualities of NPD. Do you see yourself in these?

• Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements);
• Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;
• Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);
• Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious;
• Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment;
• Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends;
• Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;
• Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly;
• Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy.

Many of us have had the unfortunate experience of having to deal with a pathological narcissist, and we are better off steering clear of them if we can. It is unlikely, however, that this type of person seeks therapy for their interpersonal issues; after all, they don’t believe that there’s anything about themselves that needs work. So, recognizing that some of your thoughts may be problematic is a positive sign.

Most certainly, developing or maintaining an eating disorder in order to have an enviable body is NOT a healthy way to be. I’ve heard women comment that they wish they could be a “little” anorexic – to be superslim and exercise rigid self-control around food. Those of us who have recovered from or are living in the hell of an eating disorder know that this wish is absurd and dangerous. An eating disorder is nothing to be envied.

We need to appreciate ourselves and others for the unique gifts and traits that differentiate us from one another. We are each a vital element in a vast landscape of beautiful diversity. Let’s not desire to be anyone other than our true, authentic, and imperfect selves.

Ellen

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