There will always be enough

I have a cold. Fortunately this doesn’t happen too often, but when it does, I’m reminded to feel grateful for good health and vitality, and to treat my body kindly at all times. I haven’t had much of an appetite the past few days, and found myself searching my kitchen last night for something that inspired me to eat. In the freezer, I discovered the remnants of a container of Ben & Jerry’s fudge brownie ice cream that I had served company for dessert a week ago. I had completely forgotten about it.

I distinctly remember the days when I couldn’t have ice cream in the house at all for fear that I would binge on it. And I remember the early days of recovery when I would try to keep it around, but it would literally call to me and beckon to be consumed. If I felt myself becoming obsessed and overwhelmed with the temptation to binge, I’d throw it all away. I refused to see this as wasteful, as I would have just eaten it all, thrown it up, and wasted it anyway. It took a number of attempts to learn that I was in charge, it didn’t control me, and I could be at peace.

There is a story a frequently tell about a former client who creatively and successfully conquered her fear of food. Her penchant was for bear claw ice cream which she would buy in large containers and eat in their entirety night after night.  We discussed her obsession frequently in the group therapy sessions I led one summer; it seemed that this particular ice cream and how she used it epitomized all her problems with food.  One day after work, she made her usual stop at the grocery store and gravitated toward the frozen food aisle with her cart. Standing in front of the bear claw ice cream display, staring at the object of her desire and wanting desperately to change, instead of leaving it, she bought it all, every last carton. She filled her cart with bear claw ice cream, happily paid for it at the till, brought it home, and filled her freezer. Crazy, yes? Absolutely not. You see, when she opened her freezer and looked at the abundance of her favorite stuff, she saw that there was no way she could consume it all in one sitting, so there was no point to bingeing on it. She measured out a reasonable serving in a bowl, allowed herself to have a second helping if she was really hungry for it, and that was it. She could leave it until the next day, and the day after that. Eventually, she gave some of it away so that she could have more room in her freezer for other things. And one day, she forgot altogether that it was there.

When we realize that there will always be enough of what we want - when we give up the belief that we have to have it all right now because this is the last time we’ll be able to have this thing – we trust in life and in ourselves. We can offer ourselves opportunities for joy and comfort every single day.

Love,

Ellen