When A Friend Isn’t A Friend

Dear Ellen:

I’ve had an up-and-down, love-hate friendship with a woman for 16 years. She was the first friend I made when I moved out west and I tend to be sentimental and forgiving when it comes to this relationship. It’s now at a point when I am questioning whether I want her in my life any longer.

She is in her mid-40s, single, lonely, hard hit by the recession, and absolutely panicked about finances. It appears that she is trying to solve her financial difficulties by going hard after a wealthy married man with a sick wife who is getting progressively more dependent on others to take care of her. My friend admits that by insinuating herself in his life she is being manipulative, but she is hopeful and optimistic that he will be divorced soon. Suffice to say, I’m having a difficult time accepting her behaviour and rationalizations (“but I’m so happy when I’m with him!” “but his marriage was over before I came along!”) without judgment.

Even more troubling is this. My husband and I are just coming through financial stresses of our own and our future is looking good. We have worked hard to build our businesses and can just now start to relax about being able to pay off our debt. When I communicated this to my friend, she responded very negatively. She said that it was insensitive of me to comment on my success when she is struggling so hard, and that I should refrain from talking about my accomplishments until she is in a better financial place herself. I find this incredibly hurtful. I wasn’t boasting or trying to “one-up” her at all. I’m really feeling badly about this friendship and preoccupied with negative thoughts and emotions about her. What should I do?

EGC, North Vancouver

Dear EGC:

Clearly, this is a complicated situation that you’ve given much thought to over the years. Two quotes come to mind as I write this response: one is from Steven Covey who wrote in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “First, seek to understand, then, be understood,” and the second is from the great philosopher Epictetus, who proclaimed “The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.” It seems to me that in your concerted efforts to understand your friend, you find yourself feeling that you’re keeping company with the wrong type of person for you, one who does not bring out the best in you, and one whose moral compass points in a different direction than yours.

The practice of acceptance and non-judgment is a lifelong endeavour. Our close relationships often challenge us to look at ourselves and clarify our own morals and values. It is not your place to judge a person’s decisions or behaviour as bad or wrong, but rather, to observe and try to understand the situation, and then decide whether or not you would behave similarly given the same circumstances, and whether or not you want to be a participant in a given situation. Stress and anxiety definitely lead people to make decisions they may not otherwise make when they’re feeling strong and secure. Your frightened friend feels that her personal security and happiness justifies the dissolution of a relationship. The guy may feel that his wife’s illness nullifies their marriage vows. Perhaps their values mesh with one another’s. It’s now your choice as to whether or not you want to be a participant in their lives.

I agree that the more salient issue to you is your friend’s negative reaction to your personal success which speaks volumes about her self-absorbed personality style. True friends would set aside their own issues to share happiness and pride, and may even use others’ success to feel inspired or hopeful about solving their own difficulties. Although she accused you of insensitivity, it sounds to me that you are far from an insensitive friend. In fact, I would advise you to cultivate a little more insensitivity when it comes to dealing with this person, or seriously curtail your interactions with her. Surround yourself with others who love and support you and who allow you to be a good friend in return.