Pregnant and Bulimic

Dear Ellen:

Things have been getting a bit tougher lately. I’m worrying about ending work for 14 months and about what life will be like once I’m a mother. I’ve had a few purging episodes and the guilt afterward is unlike anything I’ve felt before. It occurred to me that if I can’t even do this for my baby, I must be in it pretty deep still. I’m exactly 6 months and 2 days pregnant and I’m so excited to meet this little person, but scared as hell to meet my post-baby body. Feel free to use this on your blog as I’m sure every other woman feels the same way. ..

CDS, Vancouver

Dear C:

Your note raises a number of issues that I will try to address in this brief format; we will discuss them more thoroughly in your upcoming appointment. First of all, science has shown conclusively that the use of scare tactics to modify behaviour is pathetically ineffective. Telling people that smoking causes cancer doesn’t seem to do much to deter people from smoking, for example. Telling a person with bulimia that vomiting is harmful to the baby doesn’t do much good either. And the reality is we don’t know the effect of vomiting on fetal brain and body development. Obviously, one would be concerned about the baby receiving adequate nutrition for proper development. My feeling is that you’re feeding yourself well most of the time, and that’s very, very important.

“If I can’t do this for my baby, I must be in it pretty deep still.” What this tells me is that for at least a few months, you were able to set aside bulimia for this new life inside you, but not for YOU. I don’t believe it is possible to beat an eating disorder as long as you’re doing it for another person. It is absolutely imperative that you see yourself as worthy of the effort. And as much as you want to be free of your eating disorder, you must also see yourself as capable of living without it. Life will always be stressful and food will always taste good – can you see yourself handling your stress without turning to food? Can you see yourself eating a meal without then feeling like you need to get rid of it? You can do it. You deserve it.

And then there’s the post-baby body issue. It is unfortunate that we live in a culture that obsessively glorifies youth and the pre-pubescent body. Once upon a time, the mother figure was worshipped – think of ancient artifacts of big-bellied fertility goddesses. Growing a baby is miraculous and transforming. Your body won’t be the same as it was before, but that doesn’t mean that it will be a worse body than you had, but rather wiser, more mature, and a giver of life. Your child, by the way, will love you regardless of your weight, as you will love your child regardless of his or her size. I suggest treating yourself the way you treat your loved ones. To repeat, you deserve it.

Pregnancy is a huge life change, and only a prelude to what lies ahead. You will get to know yourself in ways you can’t imagine – most of them, hopefully, really positive. Perhaps you can take this opportunity to start practicing gentleness – with yourself.

You deserve it.