Remembrance day thoughts

This week, we observe Remembrance Day to honour the soldiers who lost their lives defending Freedom and their country. I’d like to take this opportunity to honour those who wage war with their bodies every day, and especially those who have lost the battle. You are loved and missed.

I am one of the fortunate survivors who feels completely recovered from my eating disorder. Recovery, however, did not come easily for me. I struggled with my demons for many years before I finally let them go. Below is a poem I wrote in 1982. It is painful to read for two reasons: first, because it’s bad poetry, and second, because after all I went through to refeed myself and get my life together to where I felt strong enough to write that poem, I actually relapsed four years later, and had to start the whole process over again. I can hardly express the depths of my shame and guilt for falling back into the twin traps of anorexia and bulimia. To those of you who think you’re hopeless, I say, think again. Keep fighting. Or better yet, leave the battlefield.

Reflections of an Anorexic

Trapped within the Auschwitz of my mind.

SS guards of bathroom scales and calorie counters.

I hate the very enemy that keeps me alive.

“You lazy pig, piece of filth – you don’t deserve to live, let alone eat.”

I relish my meagre ration of a bowl of lettuce.

My dreams are filled with hot fudge sundaes and fettucine alfredo.

Liberation is a fantasy.

Who are the Allies who will deliver me from this torture?

Haunted eyes and hollow cheeks.

Count the ribs.

Feel the pain to sit on bones.

“Keep working, wretched vermin. You will not rest until you burn every last bite.”

I am isolated by the barbed wire in my brain.

I think of nothing but impending death.

I am Hitler; I am a Jew.

This was my Holocaust.

I am a survivor;

And I will never forget.

Ellen Cash

Saved (the first time) 1/13/82