On Letting Go

Dear Ellen:

I’m so frustrated with my eating disorder, I don’t know what to do. I know I’ve made progress, but now I’m stuck. I don’t binge like I used to at all; I overeat at times, but I don’t have episodes of completely losing control. But I can’t stop the voice inside my head that cautions me every time I go to eat something. It always wants me to choose the lower calorie thing, or tells me how much time I have to spend at the gym to work off my meal. I’m so sick of it. I’ve lived like this for years. Is it ever going to stop?

Stuck in Vancouver

Dear Stuck:

I hear your frustration and I understand how you feel. First, it’s important to acknowledge the fact that you’ve made tremendous progress with your recovery, and one of the reasons you’re feeling these feelings is because you’re no longer stuffing them down. But as you’re experiencing, there’s more to recovery than just “not bingeing.” Recovery means really letting go of eating disordered thinking, and that entails careful listening to your internal dialogue and consistent practice in contradicting the “Ed voice” that is trying so hard to stick around. You still struggle with this because there is still a part of you that is unwilling to let go, who wants to believe “Ed” when “he” says that you’ll be a better person if you maintain rigid control, or you’ll be happier if you were just a few pounds thinner.

“Letting go” is such an elusive and often terrifying concept. In letting go of an eating disorder, we have to realize that the control we are so desperately seeking is really an illusion. Your body will evolve and your life will unfold regardless of the rules and restrictions you place upon yourself. You can trust yourself. You can relax. Letting go doesn’t mean being apathetic or neglectful, it doesn’t mean that you’ll become so unconscious that you’ll never stop feeding yourself. It means that you take care of your body and soul; that you appreciate what your body does for you, and you accept who you are moment by moment.

Your “Ed mind” is like a parasite that has found a willing host in you, but it is not you. It will stop speaking to you when you stop responding to it, but in the meantime, it will offer whatever lies and deceptions it can, in order to get you to think you still need to carry it along with you. One day at a time, one meal at a time, tell it to go to hell. If you’re sincere, then eventually it will get the message and leave you alone.

Be patient and kind to yourself. This may feel like the hardest thing you’ve ever done, but there’s tremendous ease and freedom when you really, finally get it. Let go and be yourself.

Love,

Ellen

Questions? Comments? email This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it