Destined for a Loser?

Dear Ellen:

I was dating a guy the past few months and it wasn’t going very well. As what usually happens to me, he was really into me at first, and then he lost interest. I wasn’t that into him; he has emotional problems and he doesn’t seem to be going anywhere in life, but I’m really upset that he dumped me. If a loser would dump me, then it must mean that I’m only fit for a loser. Will this be the story of all my relationships?

Tired of Being Single, West Vancouver

Dear TOBS:

Dating can be interesting or stressful, depending on how you look at the experience. It certainly seems sometimes like you have to kiss a lot of frogs until you find a prince. Here’s an analogy I like: when you go shopping for a new outfit, you go to a store and look through all the stuff on the racks. You pull out something that attracts you; it looks really cute on the hanger, so you go try it on. Maybe, though, it doesn’t fit right – the waist or the shoulders are in the wrong place, or it’s just not a flattering cut. Does that mean that there’s something wrong with your figure? I know you’re tempted to say yes, but the correct answer is an emphatic NO! There’s nothing wrong with it, and there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just not the right fit. Go back out into the store with this new knowledge, and look for something else.

There are many, many possible reasons why this guy took the initiative to end the relationship before you did. Perhaps he read your signals of disinterest, anticipated your action, and didn’t want to be the rejected one. The important thing is to learn from this experience, consider that he did you a favor, and move on.

Most importantly, I want you to feel that you don’t need to be in a relationship to be a complete person. I believe that when you’re truly content with yourself and your life, when you have satisfying friendships, work, and hobbies, then a good relationship will happen.  There’s a good fit for you out there when you’re ready to wear it.

With Love,

Ellen

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