Not Everyone Likes A Party

Dear Ellen:

I have a hard time in social situations. I never really want to go to parties or clubs, and it seems like when I’m there, everyone is having a better time than me. I’m always trying to find ways to leave or not go at all. I think there’s something wrong with me.

Sincerely,

Missing out

Dear  M.O.

Tell me, which is more correct, to be right-handed or left-handed? The question makes no sense, right? Well, sociability, or introversion and extraversion, is a biologically based trait, just like handedness, which is established in early childhood.  Developmental researchers can actually predict with startling accuracy, whether a four-month old will be a shy or sociable four-year old. In other words, our temperamental tendencies are quite stable, perhaps throughout our entire lives.

Biology, however, is not necessarily destiny. Similar to right- or left-handedness, a person can practice and get better with their non-dominant social style, but there will always be a natural tendency to revert to one’s basic nature, especially when stressed.

I like to think of this quality in terms of how energized a person gets by being around others. Now, think of a continuum with a high degree of extraversion at one end, and a high degree of introversion at the other. At one extreme, you have those who can’t be alone, who need constant connection with others, and who subscribe to the motto “the more the merrier” when it comes to social interaction. At the other end are your extreme introverts: those who desire little to no social interaction, who become drained by being with people, and who crave solitude. While we all, most likely, have moments of both introversion and extraversion, in general, we all fall somewhere between those two extremes on the continuum, with about 75% of the general population moving toward extraversion. Think about that statistic – 3 out of 4 people are energized by social interaction, 1 out of 4 is drained by it; parties and clubs simply aren’t the right social environment for everyone.

So if you know yourself to be more on the introversion than extraversion side of the continuum, can you learn to accept this as a natural component of your personality and not a character flaw? Can you plan your social life around your particular preferences for smaller gatherings or one-to-one interactions? And can you give yourself props for any effort you make to go outside your social comfort zone? Most importantly, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you for preferring your social life to be simple; it’s the quality, and not the quantity of your relationships that counts the most.

With love,

Ellen

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