self-control part i

Dear Ellen:

I know how you say that we’re supposed to stop dieting and work on eating what we really want when we’re hungry. I’ve tried to do this, but I really have no self-control or will-power when it comes to eating binge foods like cake or chips. Every time I try to eat some of these foods, I end up bingeing on them. So I feel like I can’t have these things in my life after all.

G.B., Vancouver

Dear G.B.:

It sounds to me like you’re at the beginning stage of letting go of “Dieter’s Mentality.” You’re starting to think about your relationship with food and recognize that you categorize items as either “safe,” or “binge” foods.  Until you “legalize” all foods that you like, you are still in diet mode.

I’d like you to stop thinking of yourself as someone who lacks willpower. It is a grossly inaccurate description of yourself.  I read this truism in Michelle Morand’s book, Natural Eating; she quotes her therapist as saying, “I think people who eat compulsively have more willpower than most people. Why else would they persist for years in a behaviour that has never produced the result it promises?”

When you sit down to a plate of a favourite “unsafe” food, how do you approach the situation? Have you made a firm commitment to mindfully eat what you want, only to the point of comfortable fullness? What happens when you start eating? Do you feel guilty? Do you tell yourself that now that you’re starting to feel anxious, you might as well eat until it’s all gone?  Berating yourself for your “failure” instead of giving yourself credit for your effort and learning from the experience, you instead reinforce your negative self-talk and tighten your resolve to eat “safely.”

It seems to me that you are seeking two separate experiences through food. On the one hand, there are foods you truly like, even though they may not have much nutritional value. There is a part of you that desperately wants to feel the sensual pleasure of these foods, but these desires are met with guilt and opposition. The Ed (eating disorder) voice tells you that eating even a small amount of the forbidden item will make you fat, and therefore, a failure. Your challenge is to learn to disagree with and disobey Ed. The fact is he’s dead wrong, and there is a mountain of evidence out there to prove it.

Calming is the other experience you are seeking through food. Stuffing yourself with vast amounts of food and purging is ultimately numbing and exhausting. You’ve learned this through repeated experience that has now become habit; through therapy and opening yourself to alternatives to calming yourself, you will learn ways to soothe your anxieties without turning to food. You can and you will find a sustainable way to manage your feelings without eating yourself into oblivion.

Here’s a visual image I find useful. Picture a ballerina: she’s standing on the tip of one point shoe, back arched, arms overhead, one leg stretched behind her in an arabesque.  Her control is amazing, but her balance is precarious; one small jostle and she’s down.

This is the type of physical control you are trying to sustain through restriction and limiting yourself to your “safe” foods.  It simply doesn’t work in the long-run. You’re eventually going to succumb to the pressure of your (very normal) appetite and desires.

Now picture a hockey player (oh, boy – now I really know I’m thinking like a Canadian), flying around the ice on skates, stick-handling the puck in a breakaway. He will stop at nothing to reach that goal. Balance, control, strength, and determination: that’s what it takes to beat dieter’s mentality.

This is a really important and complicated issue, and I have a lot more to say about it. For now, try thinking about yourself as someone who has tremendous self-control and can channel it more and more effectively. You can practice acceptance of your natural desires and create a truly sustainable, authentically balanced life for yourself.

With love,

Ellen

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